'I was gonna let 'em out. Then Jonny called in that ransom demand. I had nothing to do with … Things got kinda out of hand, huh.' That's quite the understatement. 'Look … those two geeks get their fairy tale wedding, right? Meanwhile, everyone I date ends up playing me for a sap. Or calling me a "phase". And the one person I could really settle down with? I'm trapped so hard in her friend zone …'